Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
It's a line in a Kurt Vonnegut book that seems to resonate with a lot of people. My older brother related to it so much that he got it tattooed all across his back. As for me, well, I never understood it. For years I ached so deep and unending that I nearly drowned in the pain. Nothing was beautiful and everything hurt...that was more like it. I'm exaggerating, of course. There was beauty, but there was always, always, always hurt to eclipse it.
Today though, folks and friends, today I get it.
My once shattered heart is healed in such a way that I can't believe it ever broke. I'm continually amazed that I have the privilege of knowing my dearest, darling P - that she is my baby, in my arms, and that I'm her mama. I feel more whole and happier than I ever have in my entire life just because she is.
And, gracious me, this babe of mine is a total keeper. She's loud...like LOUD for real. Her cries are so sudden and attention grabbing that people think maybe they hurt her. Her early morning giggles are more akin to screams and cackles. She's a babbler, a face grabber, a beard eater. We like to joke that she's got her daddy's looks and her mama's personality. We're as smitten as two people ever have been with anything.
I thank God* for this baby, for allowing her existence to help heal all the deep wounds I thought would never go away, and (a beg more than a prayer most days) for keeping her safe.
*I'll insert this disclaimer that I don't understand God, aside from a few things that I know to be absolute truths. I don't know if it was God that kept me from becoming a mama for all of those years. I can't imagine that my Father would do such a thing - watch me die and wither and die again for months on end - and yet, the story of Job tells me that He doesn't keep us from suffering if it advances His kingdom within ourselves or in the world. Conversely, I struggle attributing P's existence as specifically from Him any further than acknowledging that He is the author and creator of all life. So take whatever I say about the Lord with a grain of salt: it's just the ramblings of a woman who doesn't quite know the answer to much of anything.
Showing posts with label miracle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miracle. Show all posts
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Monday, December 14, 2015
Our Miracle Baby
I knew my pregnancy was high risk because of my short cervix. I just didn't know there was more to it than that...in fact, no one did until our babe was out of my body and safely in my arms.
K says that when my OB attempted to deliver my placenta, the cord snapped and came out alone. He heard the OB mutter to herself that she "never does that" and watched as she intently studied the end of the cord to see what happened. Suddenly, as he tells it, her face got serious and she told me I was about to hate her. Cue a painful retrieval of my retained placenta.
About an hour later, once we were all cleaned and the shift had changed, the nurse informed us that our baby was a miracle. We nodded and agreed. "No, she really is", she insisted, and proceeded to tell us just how much someone "up there" had been watching out for us. Unbeknownst to anyone, our baby had a really short umbilical cord and a condition called velamentous cord insertion (VCI).
A velamentous cord insertion is a dangerous condition for both mother and baby. Our nurse told us that 50% of pregnancies with this condition don't carry to term. If the problem is noticed, which is rare, and conditions are precarious enough, they will take the baby by c-section at 35 weeks. A normal cord is attached safely and directly into the placenta. With VCI, the cord is attached weakly and unprotected into the membrane. You can google the rest of the details if you're interested. I get emotional if I try to explain it more than that.
When my OB visited the next day she explained all about the short cord and VCI, providing a little more detailed information than the nurse from the previous day had. She ended the conversation with a sweet, tight smile and said "she was meant to be here, that's all I can say".
Fertility treatments, a twin sac that didn't develop, high risk (and then some) pregnancy - our little girl arrived on 12/5/2015 after 38 weeks of my being pregnant. From start to finish, she's our miracle.
K says that when my OB attempted to deliver my placenta, the cord snapped and came out alone. He heard the OB mutter to herself that she "never does that" and watched as she intently studied the end of the cord to see what happened. Suddenly, as he tells it, her face got serious and she told me I was about to hate her. Cue a painful retrieval of my retained placenta.
About an hour later, once we were all cleaned and the shift had changed, the nurse informed us that our baby was a miracle. We nodded and agreed. "No, she really is", she insisted, and proceeded to tell us just how much someone "up there" had been watching out for us. Unbeknownst to anyone, our baby had a really short umbilical cord and a condition called velamentous cord insertion (VCI).
A velamentous cord insertion is a dangerous condition for both mother and baby. Our nurse told us that 50% of pregnancies with this condition don't carry to term. If the problem is noticed, which is rare, and conditions are precarious enough, they will take the baby by c-section at 35 weeks. A normal cord is attached safely and directly into the placenta. With VCI, the cord is attached weakly and unprotected into the membrane. You can google the rest of the details if you're interested. I get emotional if I try to explain it more than that.
When my OB visited the next day she explained all about the short cord and VCI, providing a little more detailed information than the nurse from the previous day had. She ended the conversation with a sweet, tight smile and said "she was meant to be here, that's all I can say".
Fertility treatments, a twin sac that didn't develop, high risk (and then some) pregnancy - our little girl arrived on 12/5/2015 after 38 weeks of my being pregnant. From start to finish, she's our miracle.
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