A sweet friend told me last night that she thinks bedrest is sending me into a deep 'down' place and that I should talk to my OB about possible depression. It means a lot to me that she was willing to speak up and tell me that what I'm feeling and saying doesn't altogether seem like normal pregnancy, hormonal emotions. I admit that I've been feeling increasingly unlike the healthy self that I was so proud of several months ago.
K told me last night that it was okay to be sad because we did just have an unexpected, burdensome upheaval. He asked if I noticed myself feeling this way before the bedrest news. It's hard to say...my memory is so foggy. Even still, I'm historically bad at coping with hardships (re: my life crisis over being infertile) and I know I'm not handling this well. I'm mad at my body. I feel guilty that K got stuck with dumb ol' me without knowing how hard it would be to have a family with me. It's nice to hear that it's okay to be sad, though. I get frustrated with myself for crying, which usually just makes it worse.
I cleaned our box fan today. I started to get proud of myself for accomplishing that task and immediately gave myself a stern admonishment. "All I did was clean a stupid fan", I told myself, "big deal. I've done nothing else lately". And I almost accepted that; except a spark of 'hold the fuck up' washed over me and I realized that just as much as it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be happy. I'm allowed to be proud of myself that I cleaned this fan. It needed it and I did it. I have a clean fan now because I took the time to unscrew some things and wipe them down. It might be minute but it's something.
Maybe I can pull myself out of this funk. Maybe not. Maybe I'm a normal amount of sad and anxious and frustrated. Maybe not. All I know is that I'm thankful for the three gifts of realizations that I got over the last 12 hours: it's okay to be happy, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to ask for help. I already feel a little less overwhelmed.
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